Co-Dependency: Are You “Addicted” to Addiction?

Co-dependency is an unhealthy way of relating to others and is often found among relationships that involve addiction or alcoholism in some form. Co-dependent relationships may be abusive or may benefit only one person because the other individual in the relationship has low self-esteem and does not feel worthy of respect or love. Taking on responsibilities for another person makes them feel valued and needed, even if these responsibilities are damaging the other person in some way (like by perpetuating and/or enabling an addiction). An example of co-dependent behavior includes making excuses about illness or family emergencies when, in reality, your spouse can’t go to work because he or she is recovering from a hangover.

In many cases, co-dependent individuals feel annoyed or not valued because their efforts are neither recognized nor genuinely appreciated by the person whom they are trying to help. But despite what may appear or actually be believed to be good intentions, co-dependency ultimately fulfills some need of the co-dependent individual and delays the other person from experiencing the consequences of poor decisions of their adult lives. In a sense, a co-dependent person may be “addicted” to their relationship with the addict: to a role that increases their feelings of self-worth and being needed.

What are signs of co-dependency?
1. Guilty feelings about creating conflict as a result of expressing one’s needs or opinions.

Would you rather internalize your emotions than express them and risk starting a fight? Can you say “no” and hold your ground when someone tries to persuade you to do something that you don’t want to do or that you believe would have negative consequences? Co-dependent individuals tend to believe that their value increases the less that they inconvenience someone else or contradict them with a different opinion. In other words, they may feel guilty if they make another person’s life less “easy” or “pleasurable” by creating conflict or not fulfilling requests immediately. In the context of addictions, co-dependent people may never say “no” to an addict’s requests for money because they know that it will start a fight, which will, in turn, make the co-dependent person feel bad about himself or herself – or will make the addicted person less likely to want to continue the relationship (and co-dependent people “need” the relationship to feel value).

2. Being attracted to relationships that will require you to “rescue” someone else.

Are you close to someone who might not be able to survive – quite literally – without you? Have you entered into or continued any type of relationship – romantic, familial, or otherwise – with someone who had an addiction, mental health problem, or major health issue because you believed that you could help them? Research indicates that the children of alcoholics are more likely to marry an alcoholic than is the general population (Read Repeating the Past: Marrying an Alcoholic). As children, many learned that taking care of an alcoholic parent would earn them praise, and, as adults, they feel most comfortable in the type of relationship that requires them to be a hero.

3. Taking on responsibilities and consequences for someone else.

Has the behavior or choices of a loved one caused you deep, personal shame? Do you obsess over even small mistakes that you have made? Remember that adults have the right to make decisions – even bad ones – and that you cannot be responsible for someone else’s choices. Trying to manipulate or control a situation to remove all negative consequences – and, in essence, pad an addict’s fall – is trying to remove them from a reality that may self-correct if the addict ever actually had to face the consequences of poor decisions.

4. Feelings of anger about constant self-sacrifice.

Do you express your feelings of anger or annoyance in a healthy way when they occur, or do you bottle them up until you’re overwhelmed? Do you believe that the addict should show more appreciation for all of the things you do for them? Helping an addict often means sacrificing time, money, or other resources. Co-dependent people may not mind making the sacrifice as long as it is recognized and appreciated by the addict. But addicts are often self-interested and come to expect such treatment instead of perceiving it as a sacrifice. Co-dependent individuals may build up resentments and have emotional outbursts when they “can’t take it anymore.”

5. Overvaluing relationships, even those that are not healthy.

Are you extremely worried about other people’s perceptions of you? Do you stay in abusive relationships because you are afraid of being on your own? Co-dependent individuals fear being abandoned by someone whom they care about and feel invested in. This is another reason that co-dependent people try to avoid conflict with their loved one at all costs.

How can I overcome co-dependency?

Co-dependency can be a major barrier to recovery from addiction. If you genuinely want to help your loved one overcome an addiction, you should consider seeing a therapist yourself first to determine what experiences in your life have caused you to develop this negative, self-destructive pattern of relating to other people.