For Teens: How to Help Your Parent and Yourself

Watching a loved one struggle with alcoholism or drug abuse is hard for anyone, but it can be even more difficult when that family member is your parent. Many people in your situation blame themselves for their parent’s problem. They think that changing their behavior, getting good grades in school, or being successful in sports will make their parent proud of them and “snap out of it.”

But the truth is that addiction is a complicated disease, and no matter what you do in your life, the alcoholic or addict will probably keep using. Addicts and alcoholics often say and do things that they would never say or do while sober. It is important to remember that you are not responsible for the development of the addiction – and that there are many other children and teens in your situation.

What can I do to help my parent?

• Admit that there’s a problem: Your parent might not be able to say so themselves, but alcoholism and addiction are major problems not only for the addict, but for everyone close to them (Read Alcoholism’s Effects on the Family).
• Don’t help the problem: Because you love your parent, you may be tempted to help them avoid negative consequences that may result from the disease – like telling their boss they are “sick” when really they have a hangover (Read Are You an Enabler?). If you are worried that changing your behavior toward the addict will result in violence toward you or another family member, then you should get help for yourself before making any changes (see below). But now that you’ve admitted that there’s a problem, you should never feel obligated to lie to maintain a bad situation.
• Ask an adult for help: Although addicts/alcoholics sometimes come to their senses and admit that they need help when confronted by a loved one, many times they need much more persuasion. Asking your other parent, an aunt or uncle, or another adult for help may start the process of arranging for an intervention and rehab program – but you should not try to take these steps alone.

What can I do to help myself? Research indicates that the children of alcoholics are more likely to become alcoholics themselves or to be involved in romantic relationships with alcoholics than are people who did not have an alcoholic parent (Read Why Children of Addicts Marry Other Addicts). This means that you should take active steps to help yourself heal from the emotional damage that your alcoholic or addict parent has inflicted.

• Make sure that you are safe. Some alcoholics and addicts can become violent while under the influence of the substance. If you are in any way concerned for your physical safety, you should find a safe place to stay (like a grandparent’s or friend’s home) and call the Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233). If you or another family member is in immediate danger of being hurt or assaulted, call 911.
• Tell an adult whom you trust. Talk to your other parent about how the alcoholic/addict makes you feel and ask them if they have looked into any options for getting the alcoholic/addict professional help. If you do not feel comfortable talking to your other parent, you might want to consider speaking with a guidance counselor, teacher, coach, family member, or a friend’s parent. Please keep in mind, however, that certain school employees may be legally obligated to report your situation if they genuinely believe that you are in danger. But, if you are in need of help or someone to talk to, this might be a good way to start.
• Ask for help & share your feelings: The disease may make them tell you to keep the problem a secret, but, for your own mental health, it is important for you to express your feelings – which may include guilt, shame, fear, anger, frustration, and many others – in a safe environment. Your school’s guidance counselor may be able to meet with you regularly to talk about how the situation is making you feel, and if they are not able to, they will probably have a list of resources for you. If your other parent agrees that you would benefit from counseling, you can also look at our national list of professional counselors.

Additionally, churches and government agencies often have support groups for alcoholics, addicts, and their families and friends. Alateen (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/alateen.html), which is a branch of Al-anon, is a support group for teens and young adults whose lives have been affected by an alcoholic. If your parent is abusing a drug, you might still want to consider looking into Alateen. Although the group prefers that only alcohol-related stories be shared, many of the situations may be similar, and you may feel comforted in knowing that you are not alone.