Good Intentions, Bad Outcomes: Enabling an Addict
Addiction often takes families by surprise. Alcoholics and addicts become quite good at hiding their addiction from friends and family so that by the time that someone realizes that something is wrong, the alcoholism or addiction might be far advanced. Shocked family members often don’t know how to respond. When they see a loved one suffering or in need, their natural response is to try to help them and fill that need. They’re afraid of losing their loved one – maybe they will die, maybe they will get angry and leave. For that reason, they may try to help the addict, believing that as long as the addict is still at home, in their care, or dependent on them, at least the addict will not get himself or herself into worse trouble.
The problem is that helping an addict is not the same as helping a family member who was laid off from their job or injured in a car accident. In some cases, addiction goes on for longer than it should because family or friends with good intentions enable the addict, cushioning the negative consequences of their poor decisions. Sometimes those in relationships with addicts are psychologically attached to the feeling of being needed by the addict, and losing that relationship would be devastating for their own sense of identity and self-worth. If you know an addict, you should evaluate your interactions with them to make sure that you are helping the addict (which might mean NOT helping them!) and not the addiction. The following are a few common ways that well-meaning friends and family enable addicts.
- Making excuses to others to help the addict avoid negative consequences.
Have you ever told the alcoholic’s or addict’s boss that they were sick and couldn’t come to work when really they were high, drunk, or hung over? Have you ever bailed them out of jail only to watch them drink, light up, or shoot up again? STOP! There are reasons that certain consequences for poor decisions have come into existence – because some behaviors are not compatible with real life. But if you continuously block all of those negative consequences, why should the person make a change? They will assume that they will always have you to use or fall back on, and they may learn to manipulate your feelings of guilt and shame to get you to behave how they want you to.
- Giving the addict money directly.
Many people justify giving addicts money by telling themselves that the addict will put it toward rent, groceries, etc. Certainly, in some cases this may happen. But if they do use your money for bills, this will only free up their resources to go toward the addiction. However, addicts often use money that they receive from others to fund their addiction, allowing their bills to accumulate even more.
- Giving” the addict money indirectly.
If the alcoholic or addict has stolen money from your wallet or purse in the past and you DON’T make every effort to hide it from them, you are enabling the addiction. If they continue to do it, and you don’t call the police, you are enabling them. Of course, they are in the wrong to steal from you, but as their priorities shift and they become increasingly dependent on the substance (sicker), they are less likely to seek help if they can still maintain their lifestyle – one way or another.
- Providing for the addict’s needs.
If you had access to unlimited free meals, housing, transportation, cable TV, internet, and interesting though sometimes nagging company, wouldn’t you be tempted to quit your job and hang out all day? To put it another way, what about the life that the addict is living is really so intolerable if they are not only able to survive but also to have a pretty easy time of it? Nothing! Without an intervention, most addicts who make a decision to change toward a path of recovery reached a point when they realized that their life was unmanageable or intolerable – when they literally could not continue in the way they had been and live.
- Justifying the behavior to oneself or others.
Addiction is not “just a phase” or a way for your son or daughter “to fit in” when they go to college! Furthermore, your loved one’s physician spent many years in school to learn how to provide them with an appropriate dosage of medicine, so don’t let an addict get away with exceeding the amount or frequency of the dose because “the doctor just doesn’t understand or care”! And don’t pretend the problem doesn’t exist by telling yourself, “that’s not something that my kids would do.” Minimizing the potential for serious physical and psychological consequences may also haunt you in the future.
Ready to Stop Enabling an Addict?
Although it is important to realize that you’ve been enabling an addict, it can be difficult to stop. You may want to consider seeing a therapist to develop healthy ways of coping with the poor decisions that your loved one is making (Read Talk it Out: Is Therapy Right for You?). We would also encourage you to call eDrugRehab today to discuss your situation. Our professionals can help you arrange an intervention (which will require that all friends and family members make a firm commitment to no longer enabling the addict) as well as choose a rehab facility. Visit the contact us page for more information.
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Comments
I stopped enabling my addict boyfriend... and he dumped me.
...Today he dumped me.
I accepted the "dumping" (it hurt like nothing I've ever felt before...like the SHARPEST knife going through my heart)... but I acccepted the consequences... I got dumped. I knew he'd break up with me... but I did it anyway. It took courage...it made me sick... but I accepted the "break up".
Ok... so now... Someone else has been enabling him (not knowing he's been continually engaging in the addictive behaviors)...another addict (and also his very best friend - - but are the "really friends" if she's been enabling him??? I ask myself that every day). She is a married woman with a husband who is a police officer (of all things)... She is also a recovering addict. She's been feeding him (my ex-boyfriend) meals, giving him money, paying some of his bills.
I told her that he is "actively" engaging in his addictive behavior, and that she was "counteracting" all of my efforts to STOP enabling him. Even AFTER she learned he was actively engaging/not recovering from the addiction... She STILL decided it's "ok" to give 'em money, rides, gas loans, etc... This totally sickens me and BREAKS my heart into a million pieces.
He broke up with me, told me I overstepped my "boundaries" of the relationship, by "telling on him", and felt I did it maliciously. I, on the other hand, feel I did the right thing... yet, somehow I feel like a horrible "rat".
Needless to say, he was so angry at me and left me tonight. He is not ready to recover.
And as far as the other "woman/enabler" goes... She continues to enable, and now I'm out of the picture. Go figure. The "enbler" won 'em over.
What would all of you have done in my situation? Am I a horrible "rat". Should I have stayed out of "their" relationship... even knowing that she was doing "the wrong thing" by my ex boyfriend.
Any and all comments, suggestions, advice from anybody out there would be GREATLY needed and appreciated.
You did the Right thing..
You did the right thing.. My Boyfriend pretty much did the same thing But I was the stonger one.. And I broke up with him.. So He went to go find him self another person to Enable him.. But that is what Addicts do.. and soon they well run out of there options. And I did the same thing I called her and told her she was enabling him..But she didnt care she was an addict to.. But I found a way to get him out of that house so she wouldnt keep doing it.. and he would have to face the consiqucies. So he is homeless now.. And that is what they need sometimes.. to get down to the pig-pen experience.. In order for them to change.. I dont know if that person has an apartment she is having him stay at.. if it is.. that would benifit you if you know the apartment..because you can call and tell them that your ex is staying at this person's house.. Illegal.. because I dont think he is on the lease.. Just remember you have to be smarter then the average bear.. And the more he is enabled.. he wont get recovery.. So if you do call.. remember you are helping him in the long run.. and he will thank you.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't
I know that I have been enabling my boyfriend in his addiction for the past several months. I started hiding my bank card, checks, etc. He always seems to find a way to get money so I have figured that it’s impossible to stop him. What I have been trying to due, in lieu of knowing that I am enabling him, is prevent him from doing scandalous things to get the money. It is difficult to live with an addict and not enable them, especially if you are a woman. While I feel guilty for enabling, I also feel guilty when I try to leave because I let the addiction be the crutch to feel sorry for him. Will someone please forward over some advice or feedback?
Advice re: damned if you do and damned if you don't...
Hi...
I am the person who wrote the original letter back in April. First, thanks for your reply. Second, I will tell you all about where I am with him now - - - after 6 mo of this cr*p with him. since I wrote my original letter here on this website... And then I will give you some advice.
It's so hard. My heart has been aching, and it's been nothing but turmoil with my addict. Yes, the fun wholesome parts were great (having coffee, playing board games, going for walks, fishing, etc...)... but then...
the addiction (to gambling AND weed) got in the way big time.
He sucked me dry of everything I had... money, a car, my sanity, my heart, my life. Once I had nothing left to give him, he began going ANYwhere with ANYone to give him weed and money for gambling. I didn't matter anymore, because I was no longer "able" to "ENable" him. Therefore, I was rendered useless in his eyes. OMG did this EVER HURT me so very deeply... It cut to the core of my heart. I knew I was "nothing" to him... and even then... still fought for our relationship (alone, of course, because he wasn't fighting for us at all - - - all he cared about was "getting", "obtaining", "finding", "seeking out" weed, money, gambling, AND borrowing cars from two different people (since my car broke down).
Even worse, the people he sucked the money, cars, and weed off of, were all girls. He would spend as much time doing whatever handyman work he could "for" them, NOT caring WHERE I was, what I was doing, or ANYTHING about our relationship. All he cared about was, "If I do a favor for this particular girl, she'll gimme money, weed, etc.... and then I can continue my addiction". He didn't care if I was ill, needed help, needed a ride to a grocery store, or if my dog needed a ride to the vet. He spent HOURS and HOURS and HOURS each day, going to these girls' houses (enablers), and using them for all the stuff he was using me for (which I didn't have the means to give him any more).
Here it is, October 2011. It's been ONE YEAR in a relationship with this uncaring Addict Jerk. And yes, I still love him. But no, we don't see eachother anymore. I told him he either stops seeing these girls, straightened his act out, got help, modified his behavior... or he was out. He chose to leave. (they ALWAYS choose their addiction of you, by the way).
Needless to say, my heart is aching beyond belief. But I know he is still continuing his behaviors. He also is on his way to court soon for a trial, for violation of a restraining order from an Ex Wife. And there I was, supporting him throughout all of this, saying it's ok, I"ll help you in any way I can. I'd say, "If you go to jail, I'll be there for you". Uggghhh. That's the "DEpendency" of me (the enabler)... too scared to let go (I even became suicidal - - - didn't try, thank God... but felt like dying on a daily basis in the last month of our relationship).
So... now I've got a NO CONTACT rule in place - - to preserve my sanity. I made a calendar to mark off the days, and write down small notes on what I am doing for the day, how I'm feeling without him, with ZERO CONTACT - - - No emails, no texts, no phone calls, no letters, no visiting... NOTHING.
And that is what I suggest to you... ZERO contact. It hurts like a bastard. It aches. You get depressed and, in my case, want to die. You get help and support... have your friends call you. Spend time alone to reflect on all of this. Read up on self-help with breaking up in relationships, leaving an addict, etc...etc... ANYTHING but contact.
Previously, I always ignored this "NO CONTACT" thing whenever I've read it on the internet. Why? Because I never wanted to admit that I was enabling and clinging to an addict who will never ever ever ever ever ever ever change. NEVER.
I erroneously thought I could change him. Maybe even let 'em smoke weed and gamble, just a little. And sometimes I even did the gambling WITH him so that he would have "ME" there, and then I thought that was ok. It totally is NOT ok. Point is, he needs to hit rock bottom on his own.
Angering part is... EVERY damn time ya think he'll hit "rock bottom", some other a**hole comes along and feeds 'em, gives 'em money, cars, rides, weed, whatever... The addict ALWAYS finds some crazy way to get money. The addict ALWAYS finds ways (just when ya think it's all over, and he's hit rock bottom) to get a ride somewhere, to cling to another enabler, to get WHATEVER he wants.
Don't ever think that if you leave him, he'll go find happiness, health, and a great girl. Ain't gonna happen. Your addict will ALWAYS be broken inside, and ALWAYS will seek out enablers (men AND women), and will always leave people feeling heart broken and used. If you break up with him, KNOW THIS: No one will ever be able to have a "normal" relationship with this guy. EVERYONE in his path will experience the "usery" "narcissistic" nature of this man. No one will be able to get through to him. EVERYONE will get "used" by him.
And the cycle will always repeat itself, over and over and over and over again, in his future.
As for you, go through the heartache (which I am experiencing right now). In the long run, it is far worth it. A few months heart ache from a break up with an addict will go a long way in making you BETTER for it, healthy, and living a healthy, happy life that you deserve.
Damned if you do
You are living my life. I met my ex boyfriend a little over a year ago. I was hooked. He was fun, good looking, sweet , funny and super kind to me. He charmed the hell out of me. Now he is ruining my life. He has stolen money, made my kids DESPISE him, almost wrecked my car, moved in with me and did not help all that much with expenses. He though will tell you a completely different story. I was a crazy bitch, I was lazy, My kids were selfish lazy brats. The list goes on and on and on. He drank about a 12pk a day. More on weekends and had a thing for tequila shots. He is 46 freakin years old! I could seriously sit here forever and tell you all the crap he put me through. It's embarassing. My self esteem is crushed because all the money a had went for beer and smokes. I didnt buy myself ANYTHING! The kids started to see things when I would always say we were broke when they needed something, but beer and cigs were in the budget. I would enjoy a drink with him ( never to the extent he did) and i would get a cheap bottle of wine or knock off rum and he continued with his Michelob, wouldnt here of driniking something cheap!! I will contine you later, but you get the picture
enablers
Once a relationship is over it is over. It is not my responsibility to inform the new gal/guy of my ex's missbehaving or drug use. If they are still saying no to rehab then they have not hit rock bottom and believe m you can hit low low low.
EX WIFE AND MOMMA OF 2 ADDICTS (ONE I LOVE)