How to Forgive an Addict

Substance abuse and addiction can devastate the life of an addict. But family and friends are also likely to experience extreme emotional pain as a direct result of the addict’s poor choices that led to addiction and the behaviors that they exhibit when controlled by the substance. As the drug becomes their top priority, they may abandon the people and activities they once loved. They may say nasty, hurtful things and, in some cases, become violent. They may have abused your generosity and kindness; they may have manipulated your concern for the well-being and made you feel guilty for not enabling their addiction more than you already have.

After months or even years of dealing with the addict, family and friends are likely to be harboring many emotions: fear, guilt, resentment, anger, hurt, hatred, pain, and confusion to name a few. If you find yourself wishing you could somehow make them understand how much they’ve hurt you, perhaps by hurting them equally – or if you get agitated or angry any time you think about the addict or interact with them, then you may want to consider making a conscious attempt to forgive the addict.

What does forgiveness really mean?

It is important to fully understand what forgiveness involves before it can be possible to actually forgive the addict for what they have done to you. Perhaps it is easier to first understand what forgiveness does not mean. Forgiveness is not:

• pretending you are not angry or feeling what you feel

• excusing or justifying the addict’s behavior

• helping them avoid the negative consequences of their addiction (like jail time or getting fired for missing work)

• reconciling differences and remaining in a close relationship

Forgiveness is a choice that allows you to still respect yourself in the end.

Why should I forgive an addict?

• Your physical and mental health will be affected positively – for example, research indicates that people who have are actively involved in a forgiveness process have reduced blood pressure and lower rates of depression.

• You will likely experience an increased sense of self-esteem, meaning, and hope.

• Your painful experience may help you connect with others and show sympathy and compassion for those in difficult life situations.

• The other relationships you are in will likely experience positive growth as you let go of the pain you were likely bringing to all of your other relationships.

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What are the steps I should follow?

1. Determine how your feelings related to the addict are affecting you.

Have your feelings related to the addict disrupted your everyday life; your ability to function at home, at work, or in social situations; or your relationships with others? Are you enjoying your life and deriving pleasure from activities and people you love and appreciate? At this stage of evaluation, it is important that you be honest with yourself. Ultimately, it is your choice to forgive. If you do not feel prepared to forgive, you may not be psychologically ready. Does holding onto feelings of anger or resentment give you some sort of comfort? In the end, the decision must be yours, and you must be comfortable making it.

2. Make a conscious decision to forgive the addict.<

As emotional as forgiveness can be, you should also make a conscious, rational decision to commit to the process of forgiveness. Remember that forgiveness is not a single moment, but a process that requires time. You will need to be willing to refrain from seeking justice for yourself, and you will need to make regular time for deep personal reflection.

3. Make daily, conscious efforts to forgive the addict.

What was the context of the addict’s behavior? Do you know of any difficulties in their past? These questions are intended for you to gain understanding, not to condone the addict’s behavior in any way. Once you have assessed the addict’s behavior, you should attempt self-reflection about the times when you have hurt others, which may be uncomfortable. Try to look for the addict’s value simply by virtue of their being human.

4. Look for a greater meaning that you may have gained from the negative experience.

You are not alone. Everyone makes mistakes and needs forgiveness sometimes – even you. Everyone has been hurt at some point. Has the situation taught you anything about who you are or about people in general?

The process of forgiveness can be painful to begin and difficult to commit to. However, the healing effect it can have will likely benefit you both physically and mentally. If you find yourself having difficulty with forgiveness, you may want to consider joining a support group, consulting with friends, and/or seeking the help of a professional therapist.

**Some of the content from this article has been taken from Robert Enright’s book “Forgiveness is a choice: A step-by-step process for resolving anger and restoring hope.”