Re-establishing Your Role in Relationship to the Addict

Your loved one agreed to enter treatment: great! But what happens when the rehab “honeymoon” is over and you and the addict are faced with the day-to-day challenges of maintaining lifelong sobriety? What happens when the wounds from the past start to resurface? How do you interact with this new, sober person?

1. Establish Some Boundaries Sometimes addictions are perpetuated longer than necessary because more than one person is demonstrating addictive behavior; in other words, a family member or friend may be “addicted” to feeling needed by the addict (Read 5 Signs of Co-Dependency). If this is the case, it may be a good idea for you to see a therapist because it can be difficult to break this cycle without professional guidance. Yes, your support and encouragement will help them; however, they will learn in rehab and at support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous that they must accept personal responsibility for their new life. Therefore, if you are too much of a crutch, you may actually damage their attempts to become an independent, responsible individual. It may help to write out a 2-column list of possible situations that you may encounter with the recovering addict and your response like, “If the recovering addict needs financial help…” “...I will let them stay with me, and help them put together a résumé and look for jobs, but will not give them money directly if I suspect they might use it to relapse.” Thinking of potential situations before they happen will prepare you to respond in the recovering addict’s – and your – best interest when they do. Don’t just think about it! Writing them down and having them handy will be a good way to commit to them and to keep them fresh in your mind. This may be a good activity to do with your therapist.

2. Work on Communication Don’t make “addiction” and the past taboo topics – but also, don’t drive these topics into the ground by making it impossible for the recovering addict to ever move on and think about other things! Try to establish open, honest communication by practicing often. If you need to discuss your feelings, do so in a way that does not put them on the defensive. Express an interest in the recovering addict’s progress, even years down the road. Phrase questions in a non-judgmental way that conveys genuine interest in them. If you find yourself arguing with the recovering addict frequently, your communication may fare better in the presence of a counselor who can help you both learn how to communicate positively.

3. Consciously Forgive the Recovering Addict They hurt you. They know it. They know that it will be difficult to regain your trust. But try to give them a chance! Clearly, you love them or you would not have made so many sacrifices or so many attempts to get them into treatment. On the other side of addiction, a recovering addict may feel humbled and ashamed by the way that addiction ruled their life: what they did to get the drug, what they said to others while high, and whom they hurt. The realization can be overwhelming, and if a friend or family member feels a need to remind them regularly of their faults and failings, it makes the situation even more difficult for them. You have every right to feel the way you do and to express your feelings to the recovering addict; however, being sensitive to their feelings and making a conscious, daily attempt to forgive them will help you both move on (Read How to Forgive an Addict).

4. Make the Recovering Addict Feel Included Recovering addicts may feel insecure in their relationships and may be waiting for a cue from you. Include them in family activities and invite them to other functions. Try to show them how wonderful and exciting life can be without the substance (Read 10 Ways to Get the Most Out of a Sober Life).

5. Ask for Feedback Recovery is a learning process for everyone. Asking the recovering addict for constructive feedback on how they perceive your behavior in relationship to them might bring some interesting results. What you perceive to be helpful, your loved one might perceive to be restrictive, deprecating, counterproductive, condescending, destructive, irrelevant, or any number of other possibilities! By asking for feedback, you avoid the possibility that your expressions of love are being misread, and you take your concern to another level by showing the addict that you want to make the situation as painless as possible for them.