When and How to Tell a New Romantic Interest about a Past Addiction

Every time you see your new flame, your heart starts racing; you find yourself sweating and shaking yet strangely euphoric. You remember the feeling well; it is almost as if you’re, well, “high.”  Even though addiction is a distant memory, it is still an undeniable part of who you were and who you have since become. So when and how do you let your new romantic interest in on this very personal and, perhaps, painful part of your past?

Should I tell them at all?

Ultimately, it’s your decision. All situations are unique so it may help to discuss the exact circumstances with a therapist (Read Talk It Out: Is Therapy Right for You?). However, if this is a relationship that could last for years or even decades, it is probably inevitable that the truth will come out on its own – when you have to decline addictive medications to treat pain (Read Opiophobia: Addiction and Pain Management), when you repeatedly pass on opportunities for social drinking (Read Life After Alcoholism: Overcoming Social Anxiety), or when your partner notices physical signs of addiction like scarring from track marks. Chances are that being honest earlier could save you a lot of pain and headaches later.

When should I tell them?

Unless you’re asked point blank, you probably should avoid such a potentially serious topic on the first few dates. Finding the perfect moment can be difficult. It may help to first gauge their attitudes toward mental health in general by casually bringing it up during conversation; for example, you could mention that a friend or work colleague is being treated for depression (Read Dual Diagnosis: When Addiction and Mental Health Collide), has attempted suicide (Read Suicide and Substance Abuse: Know the Risks), or returned from war with post-traumatic stress disorder (Read Veterans and Addiction: Bringing the War Home). If their response is extremely negative and judgmental, you may want to reconsider the relationship altogether. But the good news is that, as a whole, Americans seem to have become more understanding and tolerant of addiction, recovering addicts, and mental health in general as it has been increasingly discussed in media and political forums (Read How Americans Perceive Addicts and Addiction and The Mental Health Parity Act: How the Bailout Might Help You).

How should I tell them?

Once you have determined that they probably can handle the truth and have found a good time (i.e., when emotions aren’t otherwise heightened), the answer may be as simple as being honest.  Invite them to ask questions about what happened in the past, any negative emotions or situations that may have contributed, how you realized you needed help, and what you have done and continue to do to keep yourself from falling into addiction again.  Otherwise, your partner may wonder if you are trying to hide something from them in the present if you don’t want to be open about your past.  Many people have experimented with some type of substance at some point in their lives, and they may be more understanding than you imagine they will be.

I’m still addicted! Where can I get help?

Some 12-step programs discourage people in recovery from getting involved in a romantic relationship until after they have had an extended period of sobriety (e.g., a year) and can handle the emotional ups and downs of relationships without turning back to substances.  But if you are still struggling, speak with an addiction consultant who will be able to give advice tailored to your situation.